Category Archives: Mamahood

Detached Love

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At least once a day, but usually many times, while watching Isaiah, I find my breath taken away. (Queue the eye rolls, I know I know! Keep reading…)

“Did I really create this little piece of perfection?”

I can’t believe that he really came from me. That this isn’t just a dream. Or a babysitting gig. I feel surreally removed from him, yet inexplicably tied to every inch of him.

It’s the strangest thing. I love him deeper than I ever knew existed within me, yet I’ll feel so detached at these moments.

I didn’t grow up having that yearning to be a Mama, so is this why I feel this way? Do others know what I’m talking about? Have they felt this too?

It’s the seemingly contradictory feelings – the deepest love, and detachment – occupying the same space that confuses me. In those moments, I’m not only feeling the feelings, but also contemplating what they mean. Especially the detachment.

What does that say about me?

Does it mean that I’m a bad Mama? Well no, because here I am smiling in awe with such joy. Surely I wouldn’t be feeling this intense pressure in my heart if I were a bad Mama.

Does it mean that I’m not connected? Absolutely not, I feel every feeling and emotion he shows, from the joy to the hurt to the heartache.

Maybe it means I need a break.

That’s the only possibility I’ve come up with. That I’m just SO filled up with love, and joy, and stress, and frustration and sharing every second of my day with him, that my body simply can’t process even one more emotion. Much less the insanely intense ones I feel at these moments.

Have any of y’all experienced this?

15 Months

15 months.

My little man is 15 months old, and I have to say, this has been my favorite age thus far! It hasn’t been the easiest of transitions into parenthood, and for a long time I just didn’t enjoy anything about it. These past couple weeks however, I’m loving watching Isaiah grow.

While he seriously keeps me on my toes, I love observing him climb something new. The joy on his face as he reaches the top, then claps his hands for himself, is infectious. I’m a big proponent of letting him explore his surroundings and his body’s capabilities while I look on, as I can then be there to help guide him to the safe way of getting down. This way when he bolts behind my back to scale the wooden chest (as all kids will do!) I don’t have to panic, because I can trust that he knows how to get down on his own. (This doesn’t mean that he has free reign to climb anything and everything in sight, boundaries are a necessity. It does mean that I can move to enforcing those boundaries with a calm demeanor, rather than panicking that he’s about to fall because he hasn’t had experience with it yet.)

He has also started to test boundaries, which while frustrating many times, I can’t help but also enjoy it. He gets the MOST adorable look on his face as he’s inching closer to testing, with his eyes trained on me for a reaction. I do my best to stay calm and not react while also making the boundaries clear, but it’s definitely a work in progress. My newest challenge is to figure out how to discipline without punishing, and do so in an age appropriate way.

Emotions. He is working on figuring out how to use emotions to get what he wants. At times (much of the time) this looks like whining and screaming and crying. Other times though, this looks like hugs and snuggling and the sweetest little man ever. The other day it was diaper change time. Diaper changing can be a huge struggle, and for a while there, you’d have thought the poor kid was being hurt with how fiercely he screamed. We’re working through it though, and the other day, in an attempt to sway me, when I asked him to sit down so I could change his diaper, he instead wrapped his arms around me and snuggled his head down into one of the sweetest hugs ever. I mean seriously!?! Talk about hard to resist! He did this about 3 times in a row, and when he realized it wasn’t working, started crying.

I’m sure as time goes on “my favorite age” will change, so for now, I’m doing my best to enjoy where we are.

If you have children, what has been your favorite age thus far?