Category Archives: Abstracts

Detached Love

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At least once a day, but usually many times, while watching Isaiah, I find my breath taken away. (Queue the eye rolls, I know I know! Keep reading…)

“Did I really create this little piece of perfection?”

I can’t believe that he really came from me. That this isn’t just a dream. Or a babysitting gig. I feel surreally removed from him, yet inexplicably tied to every inch of him.

It’s the strangest thing. I love him deeper than I ever knew existed within me, yet I’ll feel so detached at these moments.

I didn’t grow up having that yearning to be a Mama, so is this why I feel this way? Do others know what I’m talking about? Have they felt this too?

It’s the seemingly contradictory feelings – the deepest love, and detachment – occupying the same space that confuses me. In those moments, I’m not only feeling the feelings, but also contemplating what they mean. Especially the detachment.

What does that say about me?

Does it mean that I’m a bad Mama? Well no, because here I am smiling in awe with such joy. Surely I wouldn’t be feeling this intense pressure in my heart if I were a bad Mama.

Does it mean that I’m not connected? Absolutely not, I feel every feeling and emotion he shows, from the joy to the hurt to the heartache.

Maybe it means I need a break.

That’s the only possibility I’ve come up with. That I’m just SO filled up with love, and joy, and stress, and frustration and sharing every second of my day with him, that my body simply can’t process even one more emotion. Much less the insanely intense ones I feel at these moments.

Have any of y’all experienced this?

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A Walk to Pearson Falls

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Over the past 16 months, I’ve spent more time driving than I think I have at any other point in my life. This has been due to 2 factors – where I live, and Isaiah.

I have also experienced a LOT of anxiety around his naps, and would get so overwhelmed trying to plan out and control our schedule and his sleep. The fact that it takes at least an hour to get anywhere (except the good grocery store, which is half an hour, ha-ha!) usually worked to my benefit. I was able to time driving to where we wanted to go with his morning nap, and driving home for his afternoon nap. Most of the time I would take the “scenic” route to get the longest possible nap out of him.

This has given me the opportunity to see much more of this beautiful land than I otherwise would have.

One of those such days, Isaiah and I had been out exploring the town of Saluda with my Mom. After a delicious meal at The Purple Onion I knew Isaiah was at the end of his awake time and we needed to get going.

When we left I decided to take the scenic route instead of I-26, so we headed off on 176. Wow, that has been my favorite drive to date! Maybe it was the golds, reds and greens of fall, but it was a stunning drive. Along the way we saw a sign for Pearson Falls.

Due to my need to control Isaiah’s naps, I refused to stop (lest he wake up and then all hell break loose, at least in my head) but noted that I wanted to return and explore.

A few weeks later family was in town for Thanksgiving and to celebrate Isaiah’s 1st birthday, and a day out in nature was suggested.

So to Pearson Falls we went!

It turns out that Pearson Falls is part of a botanical preserve comprised of 268 acres, maintained by The Tryon Garden Club, a non-profit organization. There was about a ¼ mile walk to the 90 ft. falls. It was fairly easy, but it was uphill most of the way. I took some photos on our hike, but the leaves were all gone, and while it was beautiful to walk there and be with nature, the few photos I took left much to be desired.

As we were leaving however, I looked up and something about the scene before me caught my breath. So this is what I share with you today. A little (or a lot) unconventional, but it’s the best representation of me that day.

This style is also part of an ongoing project I’ve been working on the past few years; you’ll be seeing more of it!

Have you ever unexpectedly ended up driving (or walking or biking) an unexpected place that left you feeling in awe of the beauty?