At least once a day, but usually many times, while watching Isaiah, I find my breath taken away. (Queue the eye rolls, I know I know! Keep reading…)
“Did I really create this little piece of perfection?”
I can’t believe that he really came from me. That this isn’t just a dream. Or a babysitting gig. I feel surreally removed from him, yet inexplicably tied to every inch of him.
It’s the strangest thing. I love him deeper than I ever knew existed within me, yet I’ll feel so detached at these moments.
I didn’t grow up having that yearning to be a Mama, so is this why I feel this way? Do others know what I’m talking about? Have they felt this too?
It’s the seemingly contradictory feelings – the deepest love, and detachment – occupying the same space that confuses me. In those moments, I’m not only feeling the feelings, but also contemplating what they mean. Especially the detachment.
What does that say about me?
Does it mean that I’m a bad Mama? Well no, because here I am smiling in awe with such joy. Surely I wouldn’t be feeling this intense pressure in my heart if I were a bad Mama.
Does it mean that I’m not connected? Absolutely not, I feel every feeling and emotion he shows, from the joy to the hurt to the heartache.
Maybe it means I need a break.
That’s the only possibility I’ve come up with. That I’m just SO filled up with love, and joy, and stress, and frustration and sharing every second of my day with him, that my body simply can’t process even one more emotion. Much less the insanely intense ones I feel at these moments.
Have any of y’all experienced this?